The White Cliffs of Dover
by JER52
Summary: Lisbon and Jane drive to their final case. But their thoughts are otherwise engaged.
1. Chapter 1

The White Cliffs of Dover

It was time for a change. How could that be? Hadn't they just relocated, readjusted, retrained and reinvested their time, their lives in another cycle of reinforcing the law. But a change was coming.

Lisbon had always done the looking after. She couldn't remember a time when this had not been her daily routine. She had learned it young, losing her mother and – in most respects - her father too, looking after the men in her life. Always looking after the men in her life. Now it looked like a change was coming. Now, just maybe, if she didn't overthink it, if she could, for once, just keep focusing on the future and let the past take care of itself… If she could just trust someone else to do the looking after, then she might stand a chance of happy ever after. If she could trust Pike to be the one who could end her cycle of backward glances and endless, fruitless caring for those who didn't seem to care that much after all.

Pike had gone to DC on the early flight. Eager to get going, ready to leave. Lisbon still had boxes to pack, bags to fill. Not that she had really unpacked. She never really unpacked. Life was boxed up and taped shut; why exhaust yourself in opening old years and cares. Not much to put away, she hadn't been there long enough. So why was she still in her house, with so little to move, so little time to be part of life here with the FBI? Why wasn't she on the early flight to DC?

The voice and the knock came at the same time. It was their last case together and Jane was picking her up for one last drive in his ridiculous car. Handsome and elegant, but needy. Lisbon smiled to herself as she let him in. She could have let Cho finish it off, there wasn't much left to tie together. The evidence was pretty damning and all they had to do was go arrest the guy. But she couldn't let it go. Seeing Jane cut through the pride of the guilty, seeing him expose their hubris, their arrogance, their endless sense of entitlement, that's what she had loved in all the years they worked together. How he could stand up to their deceit and make them stare at the reality of who they really were always impressed her. She just charged them and read them their rights, but with Jane there was always a sense of occasion. There was always some kind of drama, subtle at times, but often cathartic in the end. She would miss that. She would miss so much. But she couldn't keep looking back. She had to be strong. Pike was in DC, already looking for apartments and this case was coming to an end.

"Ready to go?"

She wasn't sure whether he was referring to the drive or the rest of her life. Was she ready to go?

"Yep, I just need to grab my badge."

They were on their way. She would miss the leather upholstery, the way the left side had cracks at the top that you had to avoid getting your hair tangled in. The squeak of the wiper blade on Jane's side, the temperamental heating system and the complete lack of air conditioning. Maybe she wouldn't miss that.

They hadn't spoken. What was there to say?

Everything.

What was she doing? She had to keep her mind on the case or she was going to be in trouble. Jane had had every opportunity to say something. What was she thinking? Concentrate.

She couldn't concentrate. Almost ten years she had given him. She thought he'd be such a burden, he needed therapy or something to bring him back to whatever his normal was. She didn't know what that looked like, she only knew the damaged, closed off consultant who stood in front of her that day years ago. Who sat next to her now. How could everything have changed for everything to remain exactly the same?

"Jane?"

"We should go the long way, we're not in a rush, are we?" Jane looked over to her. He knew she wasn't in a rush. She was still here; Pike was gone already. He knew what he needed to do, but he couldn't. He couldn't tell her. It wouldn't be fair. He didn't even know how he'd begin and he had to think about what she needed. He always thought that they could just go on like this. Indefinitely. She had waited for him when he had gone, they had written, she was just the same. People like them didn't need to be tied down to relationships, they had experienced the hurt that entailed and they could find other ways of living and other ways to be happy in the day, in the moment. But he had been wrong. He thought what they had was enough. It always had been before. Not now. But the way she looked at him. He knew. He knew that what she had with Pike was a mere imitation of what they had together. What they knew of each other. How they had lived with each other for years, intimately. Hadn't they?

No they hadn't. The truth was that they were both so wretchedly closed off. She had been his boss, he had been consumed by a sense of justice, a need for vengeance, a sole crusade to right the wrong inflicted. Where was the time for trivialities? She hadn't dated, she was the job too. Both committed to their work, working together but never really sharing. A cup of tea, an ice-cream, the odd drive in his car with a hint of romance for a sentimental moment. But it was all functional. Everything else was out of bounds. Even catching Red John had brought them to the very verge of who they could be, had brought them to see themselves in ways they had never had to face. But they faced their selves alone, not together. It was too late to change that now.

"Okay, we can take the long way, but remember I've a plane to catch at 9:30, so make sure the long way isn't the really long way, okay?"

"Your flight's tonight?"

He hadn't realised she was flying out tonight. She was really going. Tonight. He suddenly felt a terrible sense of loss, a sense of panic that he hadn't anticipated. It was almost physical. But he couldn't tell her, could he? What would he declare? Who was he to make declarations, to imply a future, to hint at security and faithfulness and comfort and all those things that she could find in someone else. He had them once and they had been destroyed and all the years since then were a deliberate, methodical attempt to cement a life where nothing was anchored, where ties were held so lightly that he could just drift away. And he had. Two years had had spent, his ultimate state of detachment. He hadn't needed anything, anyone. But he had her letters. But what did that prove? It certainly didn't show that he could be what she wanted him to be. What she needed. What she deserved.

But couldn't he try?

She looked at her phone. Pike had texted with images of an apartment they could rent. She was looking at where the few pieces of furniture she had could go. She had a nice chess set Jane had bought her when they first started working together. This wasn't working. Even thinking about her new life with Pike, her new apartment with Pike, she was still thinking about her life with Jane.

"Jane?"

He looked at her. The furrow in her brow, her eyes seeking answers to questions she was too afraid to ask. They couldn't leave it like this. Even to try to articulate the sense of fear, the need for hope, the desire they both had to be true to each other for once. To overcome their crippling pride and confusion and anger and regret and just try, just try to be true. To stop hiding in the facades they had spent their professional lives tearing down to get to the truth of the cases they investigated. Now they had to see it through. They had to face the truth. The cost was too dear to ignore. She couldn't just fly off to DC without knowing. It wasn't fair for any of them.


	2. Chapter 2

White Cliffs of Dover: Chapter Two

"Jane?"

"Tonight seems awful soon. I mean, really, the whole thing seems very sudden. I'm not trying to throw a spanner in the works or anything and, sure, if you're sure. If you've made up your mind. If this is what you want, I mean if this is what you're sure will make you happy."

"Make me happy? Haven't we been through this already? You said do what makes you happy, you said my happiness is all that matters. That's what you said, that's what you're saying. That's all that you're saying, right?"

"Sure. But, I mean, how do you know? How long have you known this guy? Sure he's nice and I like him and he loves you and all…" What was he saying? She was staring at him, she needed more. They were trapped in a car in the middle of an endless road, taking the long way round. What was he thinking? He had thought he needed more time, more time to get things sorted out. But now he realised that wasn't what he had wanted. He had just wanted to spend time with her. He had just wanted to pretend that everything was normal. He just wanted it to be like every other day, like every other day could be. He didn't want to talk about 'them', he certainly didn't want to talk about Pike; he just wanted to talk, to hear her comments on the case, on the stupidity of witness A or the halitosis of witness B. He just wanted to suspend reality, was it too much to ask? Hadn't he been forced to stare down reality for too many years, too many nights? This was what got him through. This.

Lisbon looked back at her phone. She knew what he was doing. Spreading doubt in her mind, making her question her decisions. No, making her question her judgment. What right did he have? Constantly asking her to change her perspective, to re-evaluate her position. So certain, so adamant that his way trumped them all. But what more did he offer? What more was he offering? He wasn't offering any more.

"I think I've known him long enough. I've known him long enough to know that he's open and honest and trusting and…trusting, yes. He trusts me. He's willing to think that I could make him happy. Not just today, not just in this moment, but, you know…"

"Happily ever after."

"You say it like it doesn't exist, but it does. Jane, you don't trust anyone. No, don't interrupt and raise your eyebrows to dismiss what I'm saying. Think about it. Everything you do shows a basic lack of trust." She was sure she was right and it was too late now to pretend it hadn't been said and to protect his feelings. She was tired of it and she was tired of what it meant. He had trusted her to play her part in his life, to fulfil the role he needed her to play. He had a job needed doing and she stepped into those shoes. Sure, she had questioned his plans, doubted his methods, tried to have him play it her way. But that's not how it had turned out at all. He had trusted his way and only trusted her to do his bidding. Even this job with the FBI. She had been so happy that he's thought of her. She'd made perfunctory statements to the contrary, but she had missed his companionship so much. What a fool. How did what they have come anywhere near to her ideal of what it was.

"And to think that I was the one all those years ago who was made to do a trust fall into _your _arms." Lisbon turned her head to stare at the wasteland passing by.

"That was a long time ago. I can't believe you remember that. Come on, look at the progress you've made. Now you're willing to trust a guy you've just met with the rest of your life. You should be thanking me, not insulting me!"

Lisbon turned to Jane. What could she do when he smiled like that. It was impossible not to give up and laugh at the absurdity of it all. Engaged to a man she hardly knew; Jane was right. Sitting beside a man she knew too well. Too well to know that he could ever really offer the future she longed to have. She was making the right decision. She looked back at the phone. More pictures of built in wardrobes and patio decking and questions about which wall the sofa could fit against. And now she was back again in the past, back at her old CBI building with Jane's sofa opposite Van Pelt's desk. She had to stop this. Hadn't she just reassured herself that Pike was the one to offer her a future, that Pike was the one open enough to trust her in that future?

"Anyway, I can trust, I have trusted. I mean I do trust, I mean…Lisbon, don't you think I trust you?"

"Are you trying to make me feel guilty now? Like I'm too blind to see this great trust you put in me? I know you trust me to finally go along with your schemes and your stories, Jane. That's not the same thing, that's like trusting in your power to control me! You're the great mesmeriser, the hypnotist…the great dissembler. Well, no I don't mean…I don't know. Let's just leave it. Why spoil a pleasant drive through the broiling heat in a car with no air conditioning?"

He knew she was right. Trust issues. Well, who didn't have trust issues these days? Jane sighed. He knew it was more than that. But it was hardly one sided. Did she trust him? A hypnotist, a dissembler, hardly words to show one's faith. But she had shown her faith in him. Countless times.

"I know you trust me, Lisbon. I'm sorry. You've put your faith in me when you had no reason to and I know there were promotions in the past you turned down so we could play the game to the end. And we did and I know that it's you I have to thank for that and I know you've given so much and… I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do when you go to DC. I don't know if I still want to do what we do if it isn't 'we' anymore."

They were both staring straight ahead. Jane was trying to be honest, Lisbon knew that. But if this was all he was willing to give, then she couldn't see any other way but to leave him. So he trusted her; she knew that already. He couldn't think of the job without her; she knew that as well. He needed her, but he couldn't see it or he couldn't say it and without that she simply couldn't continue in this limbo where they'd been living. She thought it might change when they started working for the FBI, but it hadn't and there were no signs that Jane ever wanted to step up. Why would he? The status quo was fine by him. It was like the longest, hardest, happiest date in the world, but now she had a real relationship. A fiancée. So Jane couldn't think of the job without her. Well, she was trying to think of a life without him, or a life with someone else. Someone who could actually articulate his feelings and could frame a future that was more than lying on a leather sofa drinking Earl Grey tea from china cups and saucers.

"Well, it isn't going to be 'we' anymore, Jane. I mean, as far as the job's concerned. But that doesn't mean we can't keep in touch. We could start to write again. You could tell me about the exciting things you and Cho are getting up to and I could tell you about DC and living in the capital and, you know, all that…" An FBI agent in Washington. It sounded like she was going somewhere. Half the time people couldn't find Sacramento on the map, and they were from California. And no one ever knew what CBI stood for. But now she started to think about the future, about Pike, about Washington. She was finally going somewhere. But why was there no sense of accomplishment, no real sense of moving forward? She looked across to Jane and looked back down at the text from Pike. The wrong person was saying I love you.


	3. Chapter 3

The White Cliffs of Dover Chapter Three

"You really love this guy? The last time I asked, you know, you told me that he'd just had a job offer in DC. That wasn't an answer to the question I was asking."

"Was the question you were asking the question you were asking?"

She knew he knew what she meant. If he felt he had the right to pry into this relationship and into her personal feelings for a man whose marriage proposal she had just accepted, then she had a right to question his designs. But why was she pushing the issue? His question seemed so innocuous. Surely getting engaged to be married was a pretty public declaration of her personal feelings, she could hardly fane resentment for his asking her to declare her love for Pike when the ring on her finger announced it pretty conclusively. But then why was he asking? He was asking because he didn't want to ask the question that would bring _his _feelings into the public square. Typical.

Jane had been playing the long game for a long time. Of course it wasn't the question he was asking. The question he was asking that he could no more frame than fly to the moon was, "Do you really love this guy _more than me? Do you love me?" _He had been proud once, proud enough to make himself vulnerable, vulnerable enough to lose everything of value in life. Now pride was stopping him from making the same mistake. But now he was wondering if the ironies of life weren't just meant for him. Pride had left him losing his love once and the pride that would protect him from the vulnerability the second time might bring the exact same consequences.

"Was the question I was asking, the question I was asking?"

"Seriously? What are we, stuck in some kind of semantic conundrum?"

"Lisbon, what are you asking me?"

"See, that is so typical of you, I was the one asking you what you were asking me! Smoke and mirrors aren't gonna work on me today, Jane. Are you asking if I love Pike? Well, the answer is…the answer is that I'm booked on a flight to DC tonight and I'm moving my job, I'm moving my life. Doesn't that say I love him?"

"You did that for me not so long ago."

The quiet way he spoke the words should have made her reflect. Was this Jane trying to suggest that he was willing to at least begin a conversation that had the possibility of leading somewhere he had tried with all his might to avoid? But to Lisbon it was another slight and another way to demean what she had with Pike and imply that he knew best. That he knew her. That he could see beyond her words and judge her actions in a context beyond the weeks and months they had been at the FBI, beyond the context even of their jobs at the CBI. He could see her words and actions in the context of their lived lives through all these years and the pasts they had brought with them and the futures they had hoped for. But Lisbon resented this; it revealed too much. He had no right to lay her open to his view when he had no intention of revealing himself in such a way to her. Yet her anger was clouding the fact that the words that were making her feel so exposed were words to reveal his heart, not words to gloat at seeing into hers.

"We're here," she snapped as they drove up the dusty lane to the ranch. This last case had been a mistake. She had begun the day looking forward to their drive, enjoying the camaraderie, the easy give and take, the sentences that didn't need to be finished, the words that didn't need to be said. But everything was off. The silences weren't easy, they were awkward and the sentences they were beginning demanded they be finished. But neither of them seemed ready to finish them.

Getting out of the car was a relief. The backup had met them at the gates and they kept and easy distance as Jane and Lisbon walked up to the door with their arrest warrant. They didn't expect any trouble. Multiple cases of fraud covering years, covering miles, but never any use of violence; no bludgeons, no bullets. But when they looked through the dusty panes of glass, Ivan Roberts was staring back at them from his arm chair in the middle of the hall. Shot gun in hand.

For once Jane didn't take his customary stand behind Lisbon. He didn't shimmy down the porch steps to leave the real forces of law and order to do what had to be done while he kept his fingers crossed and hoped Lisbon would be okay.

"Put the weapon down, Mr Roberts, you don't want to make this more complicated. We've got you for multiple counts of embezzlement, fraud, tax evasion…"

Jane interrupted her, "Financial finagling, Mr Roberts. Let's just admit, you had a good run, you played your hand pretty well and you got to enjoy the spoils of the win. But it's a hot day, there's quite a lot of people out here with guns and flak jackets and no one wants any of this stuff to go home having been used, so let's call time. You can put down the gun, open the door, come quietly as they say, and I'm sure the reasonable people in our judiciary will take all that into account and…"

But the backup had gone in through the side and one of them, in one deft movement, relieved the old man of his gun and was already putting the cuffs on his wrists. It was over.

Jane wondered what the man had been thinking. What he was thinking now. Had he believed that when he had to face the truth, when he had to take a stand that he had it in him to…to what? In the end it was all anti-climax. Ivan Roberts was arrested, one of the agents put him in the back of his car and they drove away.

They stood there by his car.

"Well, that was…"

"Perfunctory."

Everyone was moving out. "A bit of a waste of time, was what I was thinking," Lisbon said as she put her gun back in its holster and looked around. "You know, I could get a lift back with one of these guys if you didn't want to rush back. FBI standard issue FED cars would get me back pretty quickly to finish off some packing."

Jane looked at her. Was this really the end? A long, pointless journey.

"Do you think our ne'er do well kept a tea pot?" Jane looked over at Lisbon. Another question hiding the one he couldn't bring himself to ask. Just stay with me a little longer. Just stay with me. It was Lisbon this time who caught the tone and read the face that was asking the question impossible to articulate.

"The front door's open. Jane, I do need to get back…But I guess…Some tea for old time's sake…"

"I'm thinking that there's probable cause to search the kitchen, you know how fraudsters like to store their loot in the strangest of places."

"And how they like their tea…"

Jane looked at Lisbon as he stepped back onto the porch and wondered if the comment was meant for him. A con man. Yes, he had been. His life had been a fraud, his past was full of lies and deception. But now? Did she still see him as acting a part? Was he a fraud?

Lisbon remembered his proclamations before they caught Red John. He said she didn't know what she had meant to him, what she meant to him right then. And then he left her alone; was it all a ruse? Well now she would know. Now it was time to make good on those words, time to show if it had all been a confidence trick. All of it after all. Yes, she would take that final cup of tea. No more finagling. This morning she had thought that courage was looking to the future, but now she knew that courage was dealing with the past and the present. It was time to know just what she had meant to him and face what he meant to her; that was what was going to take the real determination.

She followed him into the house.


	4. Chapter 4

The White Cliffs of Dover: Final Chapter

Jane was doing his customary search for the suspect's cache of tea leaves. Seven Eleven tea bags were a twenty-four seven indictment on a man's character. No need for DNA swabs and finger print analysis – just look in the tea caddy. Lisbon smiled despite herself and Jane turned and caught a glimpse of the smile.

"No tea," he said. They looked at each other. Everything about this day was disappointing. Was there still a chance it could be rescued? Was there still a chance they could be rescued?

"But look…what do we have here?" Jane was peering into the fridge. He reached in and extricated two bottles of beer. "What do you say to toasting our years of dedicated and devoted service together?

Lisbon reached for her beer and they went back outside to sit on the stoop.

"Dedicated service, Jane? Like the time we had to get that pony down in the elevator at the CBI and the thing wouldn't go through the doors, so Rigsby had to coax it down the back stairs with the apples we found at the back of the fridge?! And how did you serve the great State of California that day? With a trusty mop and bucket!"

"And shovel – don't forget the shovel!"

Lisbon laughed at the memory of them all trying to lead the newly christened Lady Penelope through the corridors after everyone had gone home.

"Okay, so maybe we didn't always focus on the murder and mayhem, but I think over all, we had enough of that to show our commitment to the job. More than enough."

"More than enough. Jane, what are you saying, is the mentalist crime solving super sleuth starting to question his vocation?" She tilted her head and smiled at him.

Jane looked down at his feet, "Maybe I'm starting to wonder what it was I was committed to. You know I had nothing else to do when I started working with the CBI, when I started working with you. It was a life raft… You were a life raft... I was utterly lost. I thought I knew how to find my way back, I thought if I just got him, if I could just get him and…And in the meantime, if I could just keep my mind, if I could just pay attention to other things, apart from me, other things outside myself that needed attention, then maybe I could stop myself from…from disappearing into…from just completely unravelling.

"The thing is, I don't know. Your going…it…" All he could do was bite his lower lip. All his passion had been spent, all his intensity had condensed into killing the one who had destroyed his family. He hadn't let it destroy him; it had defined him, it had reshaped him in its image and to it he had been true to the end. But now, he felt as lost as he had felt when he had first met her. He looked over at Lisbon and her smile had gone and he saw the unutterable sympathy in her face. What were they to do?

"Patrick?" She had been twisting her ring as she listened to him trying to be honest, trying to figure out what that honesty was and what it meant or what it would mean. She slowly moved the diamond ring down her finger and looked at it as she placed it in her left palm. "Maybe that's how I see Pike. A life raft – something…someone who can rescue me from…"

"From me?"

"No, not you, not you. Us. Rescue me from what…this has become, this… safety net we've got entangled in. You say I was your life raft, but you were mine as well, and you knew it. I had a great job and I loved my job and my role and my position and I loved getting the job done and professionally I was so fulfilled. You know the life I'd had and how I needed order and structure and things just so. I thought that's what I needed. But you coming in with your…different way of doing things, your outrageous way of doing things…I hadn't realised I was sad," she looked at him, "until you made me happy."

He loved her. He hadn't thought it would be enough and he still wasn't sure. "I guess a life raft isn't meant to last for ever…but, if our life raft morphed into a safety net, is jumping on to another life raft really the solution?"

"That's why the ring is in my hand and not on my finger. But, Jane…"

"Patrick," he said. It was late now to hide in the professional codes. She had called him by his name only a moment ago and if this was the conversation that had been waiting to happen for a very, very long time, it had to be between two living, breathing people – not two partners hiding behind their badges and their surnames.

"Patrick," she said. "Okay." But she sighed. "Deciding not to jump. Deciding not to choose one solution isn't solving the problem. We're still entangled in our net…and not in a good way." She smiled. This was the conversation they never wanted to have, the conversation they had avoided at all costs. Yet now they were in the middle of it, they knew each other too well for the honesty to be awkward. It had been the denial of the truth that had been so exhausting. Was there some hope that the day might not be an anti-climax after all, was there some way that it wouldn't end in disappointment?

They were entangled. In another of life's ironies, Jane had spent the last ten years trying to live like a nomad only to form a bond that he couldn't bear to break. His humanity had almost been crushed. It had taken him years to not simply laugh at others' trivial preoccupations. Working for the CBI had constantly reminded him of the arbitrary nature of life and death, of joy and pain. He could mock and he could amuse because it was all pretty much a joke anyway. But more recently, he could see that there were things that were too precious to mock. Too meaningful to deride. It wasn't only revenge and justice that had significance. There was kindness, there was loyalty. There was love.

Lisbon waited. She had put her ring in her pocket and was picking at the label on her beer. He had told her to call her Patrick and she had and she had told him that they still needed to work this out. She looked at him. He had to come through. Did he have it in him to take that final leap of faith? She knew he had faith in her, despite her earlier blustering. She knew it was finding it in himself again that was the hardest thing he'd have to do. It had taken her a long time to regain her faith in herself. Taking off Pike's ring had been the final act in that journey. She felt ashamed, though, that he had been the catalyst. Not a catalyst to bring her and Patrick together, that still hung in the balance, but a relationship to show her what she really wanted after all, who she was after all. Who she had become.

He still hadn't said anything. And then he turned toward her.

"Theresa, I owe you everything I am. But I'm not sure. You say I make you happy and I can't think of being happy without you. But, is that enough? I mean, what I'm trying to say is that I love you. I love you, but I don't know if that's enough, I don't know if…"

Lisbon put her beer down and stood up as she interrupted him. "It's enough for me."

He stood up and she reached out to steady him and as she grabbed his arm, suddenly they were clinging to each other in an embrace of overwhelming relief that in the end they hadn't wavered. After all these years, they had rescued each other after all. When they released each other just a little they looked at each other and rested their foreheads together.

"It's enough for me too." Jane was barely audible. Lisbon leaned in and their tenderness was shaped by a love that had been lived for years, an understanding forged through tragedy, through trust, through desperation, through longsuffering, through hope.

As they were walking back to the car, Lisbon new she had to make things right with Pike before the end of the night. But for now, as she kissed Jane once more before they got into his car for a truly romantic drive back to Austin, she was happy in this moment. Not because it was momentary, but because of its promise of love and laughter and, maybe, just maybe after their conflicted lives had left them discontent for so long…peace everafter.


End file.
